There's something about a man crying and saying "I love my wife" and holding up a picture of her that says to me that he killed the bitch.

I opened a can of whoop ass but didn't use it all. Think it'll keep a few days if I put the rest in Tupperware & throw it in the fridge?

I hope the next girl Kanye sleeps with interrupts him with "I'm gon' let u finish, but ur best friend gave me the best orgasm of all time."

Out on the boat with the fam & when we passed a huge boat my mom yelled "Sorry about your penis!"

My husband & I are playing a little game I like to call "Guess Why I'm Pissed." No, it wasn't his idea - why do you ask?

When I say something to someone & the other person says "Really?" I like to say "No. I was lying. You caught me. Nice detective work."

Eye hart homonyms. Their so grate. Amiwrite? Like the heir aye breathe. Sew say it allowed. Now I gotta bale. Buy.

Peer pressure is a bitch. Hey, so is your mom.

Is it really necessary to bring all 7 members of your family into the grocery store to buy 1 gallon of milk?

384 days have passed, but I can once again say I am EMPLOYED!!!

So I have "one hell of a sprain." I never realized how hard people on crutches had it until I couldn't carry my Beam & coke to the den.

I knew a guy who would say "Cop cop cop - gimme your beer!" to underage drinkers at bars. They'd hand it over everytime. Genius.

I just recreated "Tremors" by using my foot hidden under the comforter to terrorize the puppy. It was so much better without Kevin Bacon.

Smart move, old man out riding your bicycle in this 100 degree heat. Oh and this must be your son Dumbass Jr. out for a run

That whole life-flashing-before-my eyes thing didn't last as long as I expected.

I just got an email from my grandmother with the subject "HELL YEAH." My life is now complete.

I blame the 102 heat index for my sweaty EVERYDAMNTHING

Pro Tip: Asking your wife why she's "pissy" is a damn sure way to guarantee she stays that way.

Gubernatorial. That word makes me giggle every time.

I don't brush my teeth before early morning flights because I hope a chatty aisle-mate will take a hint if the "fuck off" doesn't work.