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Thanks to hip hop, I can tell you the area codes of most major cities.
Lady at the gym: "What do you do?"
Me: "I'm a writer."
Lady: "No, I mean for a living."
No need to say "FYI." If you are speaking, you are giving me information.
I got an email reminder about a Bridal Show on Sunday. I forwarded it to my fiancé but changed the subject to FREE FOOD.
Kim Kardashian has dated, married, divorced, dated again, and gotten engaged again in a shorter time than it takes me to grow out my bangs.
"I do my best work when I'm micro- managed," -Nobody, ever.
My computer and my phone need to fucking figure out who is going to tell me I have new email first.
If you are a parent, no matter how old your children are, don't make them carry your burdens. Save them from your bad decisions.
The more I plan this wedding and the less I hear back from contacts at church/reception, etc...The better Vegas looks. $234 roundtrip tix!
"I'm getting some Vitamin D." Or, you could be less obnoxious and say you're enjoying the weather.
My computer is broken at work. How am I going to do all the personal things I waited to do until I got to work?
What social reject would show up to a backyard barbecue wearing clip-on insect repellent?
If it weren't for scooping hard ice cream every night, my biceps wouldn't be so toned.
Do people really love Shark Week as much as they seem or are they trying to be badass? Frankly I'd be more excited for a Seahorse Week.
I'm loving the new JT single but knowing that he's married makes it a lot harder now to believe he's singing about me.
Not everyone will like you, but try to like everyone.
Me judging a stranger, "I can't believe that lady went out wearing a shirt that says MILF." Then she took off her coat. Oh, it says SMILE.
No Crying At Work, The Onion, The Phoenix, Time Out NYC, Fitness & Well-being writer, Former Nickelodeon writer, Former Disney cast member.