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Clippy used to say things like, "It looks like you're writing a letter." That crazy paperclip bastard just got me you know?
The term "jizz" really leads one to believe that semen is going to be carbonated.
Telling people to "suck a dick" isn't funny because I know someone who actually had to do that once.
Paisley really gets the job done when you're in the mood to wear decorative sperm.
Bored? Say to a barista or person you must interact with today: "It's too late now OBVIOUSLY, but I feel like we could have been friends."
You say po-tay-to, I ALSO say po-tay-to. 'Cause that's how you pronounce the word POTATO, idiots.
I'm over using LOVE stamps to mail bills can we please make stamps that read HERE IS YOUR EFFING MONEY and THANKS FOR THE HIDDEN FEES.
My doctor just called my cervix "beautiful" and I am really trying not to let this go to my head you guys.
The stranger is when you sit on your hand for 20 minutes before you eat so it feels like a stranger is feeding you. #huh
Waiters LOVE it when they ask if you liked a dish that you've left no scrap of and you say, "Obviously we hated it! Hahahaha!" They love it.
Humans. We're pretty resilient ya know? We all just moved on with our lives after seeing John Travolta in drag in Hairspray like, no biggie.
My signature move is to give someone a long, heartfelt goodbye only to then have to awkwardly walk in the same direction towards our cars.
I don't care if something is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, as long as it's been dipped in chocolate.
I would totally win the show So You Think You Can Watch So You Think You Can Dance.
Guys, a really poetic way to dump someone is to say: Right now we be ebbin'.
You are not a legit action movie to me unless some character says, "I hope you know what you're doing."
Siri, make the lambs stop screaming.
