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If your boyfriend wants butt sex, say “I thought you’d never ask” & strap on a giant black dildo HE WILL NOT ASK AGAIN
Snow White's OK, but my favorite fairy tale is the one where the guy in the clouds kills his son so everyone on Earth can come live with him
America’s the only country where people need energy drinks to sit at a computer.
Is it rude to make the jerk off motion while you’re jerking someone off with the other hand?
Just dismantled a jaeger bomb
Is there a city that ALWAYS sleeps? I want to move there
Ever make a booty call just cause you couldn't find parking?
Who’s dick do I have to suck to not have to suck dick to get stuff I want
I find the expressions, “Don’t take no for an answer!” and “Don’t rape people!”, really conflicting.
Getting some writing done. (Drinking alone)
Don’t forget that almond milk is healthier than soy milk which is healthier than regular milk which is healthier than heroin.
Some whore just made out with my boyfriend but in her defense it was her husband
Caught my roommate doing yoga on my 'eating cheez-it while watching Netflix' mat
My boyfriend won't drink tap water. Um my butt's not cleaner than tap water
Does this fat make my fat look fat
How are people still committing suicide when there's so many good cereals
Life is like a box of chocolates. I'm fat
Basically all I do is pluck my eyebrows and go get coffee
There should be an age limit for pom-poms
“I’ll put this somewhere I won’t lose it.” (I’ll hide it somewhere I’ll never see it again.)