If your boyfriend wants butt sex, say “I thought you’d never ask” & strap on a giant black dildo HE WILL NOT ASK AGAIN

Snow White's OK, but my favorite fairy tale is the one where the guy in the clouds kills his son so everyone on Earth can come live with him

America’s the only country where people need energy drinks to sit at a computer.

Is it rude to make the jerk off motion while you’re jerking someone off with the other hand?

Just dismantled a jaeger bomb

Is there a city that ALWAYS sleeps? I want to move there

Ever make a booty call just cause you couldn't find parking?

Who’s dick do I have to suck to not have to suck dick to get stuff I want

I find the expressions, “Don’t take no for an answer!” and “Don’t rape people!”, really conflicting.

Getting some writing done. (Drinking alone)

Don’t forget that almond milk is healthier than soy milk which is healthier than regular milk which is healthier than heroin.

Some whore just made out with my boyfriend but in her defense it was her husband

Caught my roommate doing yoga on my 'eating cheez-it while watching Netflix' mat

My boyfriend won't drink tap water. Um my butt's not cleaner than tap water

Does this fat make my fat look fat

How are people still committing suicide when there's so many good cereals

Life is like a box of chocolates. I'm fat

Basically all I do is pluck my eyebrows and go get coffee

There should be an age limit for pom-poms

“I’ll put this somewhere I won’t lose it.” (I’ll hide it somewhere I’ll never see it again.)