If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what's best for me

If you're the only one on the dance floor and there is no dance floor, you're an alcoholic.

I'm not good at math nor do I know a lot about politics but maybe this is ok: Access to affordable mental health services > Access to guns

Sometimes I think I'm doing pretty well for my age and other times I remember that I'm not 12

My 3rd favorite sex position is called the "I don't know what's happening but I think this is ok."

What if you were brushing your teeth and your toothbrush turned into a hotdog would you be like WTF or would you be like yummy yummy

Adele gets her heart broken and writes a #1 album. I get my heart broken and write an email "I have your sunglasses." WE'RE ALL THE SAME.

If a cat ever started talking to me I'd be like "whoa whoa whoa wait a minute" then I'd put a tiny knit cap on him/her & say "ok go ahead"

If someone breaks up w/you & you're heartbroken it just means the person you love the most wants nothing to do with you. Don't over think it

Crying would be much more fun if tears screamed, "Weeeeee!" as they rolled down our faces.

Do you think girls who wear ridiculously expensive clothes dress like that to distract people from seeing their dead eyes

Hi people who do coke in the bathroom wouldn't you rather do it someplace else so you don't have to sniff super hard where people take shits

Hi $enate and @nra why didn't you want the background check bill to pa$$ i$ it bc you think it'$ uncon$titutional or i$ there another rea$on

Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.

Whoever has sex with me tonight will probably get injured bc I'm super horny and extremely muscular and I have a knife and I will use it

A lady on Facebook sent a message telling me to fuck off bc I didn't accept her friend request. SORRY LADY I'LL ACCEPT IT NOW YOU SEEM GREAT

I am about to do stand up comedy in my hometown. I hope my ugly friends from high school like jokes about my ugly friends from high school.

I spend most of my time waiting for things to be over.

I love bein a girl bc sometimes when u tell a guy about how another guy got you a job they say "He just wants to fuck you" it's so inspiring

We all look like monsters when we eat spaghetti. The end.