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#badwritingtips is trending because two thirds of all people on Twitter at any time are writers who should be writing.
2011 Michael Vick has a broken hand. If he were owned by 2006 Michael Vick, he'd already be buried in the backyard.
Two women came out of the bathroom and I went in. There was a condom in the toilet. I don't want to know.
"Thank you for watching the Super Bowl on CBS. Be sure to tell your parents about all the shows we have for them."
All the players are going to gather round as Alex Smith tells scary stories.
Assuming some percentage of New York's mosquitos are female, I've satisfied a lot of women today.
1) Make everyone watch Miller's Crossing on Netflix Instant. 2) We all start answering the phone "What's the rumpus?" 3) A happier world.
I always end up in the bar where I'm pretty sure the procedure of washing my hands makes my hands dirtier.
The Herman Cain allegations are bad, but even without them, he'd still be a guy who sang about pizza and learned about taxes from Sim City.
Men should only wear bandanas around their necks if those men are golden retrievers.
Happy birthday, Shakespeare. I'm glad you didn't live to hear "Yolo."
Kevin Ware's injury is the most brutal thing to ever happen on Easter.
Happy Easter, Christians. Enjoy your ham and chocolate. We Jews will just be over here, eating these awful, awful crackers.
If Russell Wilson wins a Super Bowl as a rookie, he'll be just like Ben Roethlisberger, only small, black, and not a rapist.
Director and co-writer of @bsidemovie. Filmmaker, cook, drunk, nudist, New Yorker, honorary Sconnie.