I just got blocked by someone who thinks married women should not be on Twitter. I wonder if he knows we leave the house sometimes too.

The only reason I picked Wal Mart over Target- is that at Target you have to wear mascara. And a bra. Target is way fancy.

I just fell asleep. On the floor.

I'll try sit ups again tomorrow.

You look at people in a whole new way when they are walking down the aisle of a plane and you have an empty seat next to you.

The hardest part about being an English teacher is pretending that I know where to put commas.

'Baby Girl' is a ridiculous thing to call a grown woman

I thought- until the waiter just said it to me and I giggled and proposed to him.

Just sucked up the bottom of my sweatpants into the vacuum and then fell on it- in case you forgot what 'hot' looked like.

I've never won the lottery, but both my kids just got invited to go to friends' houses so I'm pretty sure I know what it feels like.

Someone just asked me if I was 'happily' married.

Single people are adorable.

I don't understand Fergie's face.

Watching Inception after taking 2 Benadryl and I have no idea if I'm awake or not.

Dear awful girl that just drug her boyfriend to the tampon aisle and then told him to suck it up: He will be banging someone else by Friday.

It's obnoxious how some people have thousands of followers but only follow 37 people back. Unless I'm one of the 37- then I love that shit.

I like my men like I like my coffee- with 2 packets of Splenda and amaretto creamer and I don't understand this joke format at all.

If Favstar had a page for People That Got Five Stars Every Thirty Tweets Or So- I would be all over that sometimes.

If you've never held your breath and crossed your fingers when they're swiping your debit card at Wendys then yay for you Richie Rich.

Home by myself for the entire afternoon and if my husband ever finds out it really only takes an hour to clean I am screwed.

Being the only sane one in my family is EXHAUSTING.

I think Einstein meant the definition of insanity was continuing to order coffee at McDonalds and expecting it to not taste like shit.

I don't know how many times I will say "Uranus" in front of 12 year olds before I remember not to say "Uranus" in front of 12 year olds.