I think it's kind of the pet store's duty to tell you if a fish can't live in soda

bi-curiosity thrilled the cat

I believe I may have mislead you a little when I introduced myself as "the king of cum." I'm really more of a regional baron

Murderer set free after using a man's own hands to beat him to death. "he was hitting himself," shrugs judge

wearing two pairs of 3D glasses from the movie theater. can see component aspects of the manifold universes. no longer alive or dead

jack off on a pregnancy test to unlock expert mode

nice segway, idiot. you look ridiculous. *scrapes off down the sidewalk on cross-country skis*

this lube's made in... new york city! NEW YORK CITY?? *cowboys all stop fucking each other and spit out the lube*

had a dream about drinkin sour milk and woke up to dad peein in my mouth and murmuring "inceptionnnn" again

stop giving your money to giant corporations buy a local giant

an underwater law and order spinoff taking place in a town of red herrings. no crimes ever get solved because

Have you ever even BEEN to Japan?? Let me show you how to use these, moron. *peels paper off chopsticks like a banana, eats them*

HAH Costco employees thought they'd humiliate me with a wedgie from the forklift but everyone saw my sweet camo thong and started clapping

I see you've met the jellyfish that lives in my toilet

homeowners claiming the Japanese sex dolls stuck in my lawn like flamingos are lowering property values have no idea how expensive these are

The telephone repairman is here but i don't have a phone he's just lickin his lips and peekin in my windows he's holdin a nest of baby birds

dad took away my giant mickey mouse gloves for jerkin off with em in the picture window lol joke's on you loser I still have my hulk hands

Whichever one of you imbecile zookeepers let that koala in a wig and sunglasses escape gets to give me a horsey ride while we chase him down

#MyFavoriteLineWhenImMad the line at the ice cream store

A recent university double-blind study found absolutely nothing. Next time try using scientists who can see, dummies.