I finally figured it out - open new fake account for retweeting my own tweets which I'm so desparate to post again.

I'll Favstar you so hard you won't need a Retweet.

I'm gonna go pretend to have a life now so I can come back here and lie about it...

Scoff & Unfollow if ya want but where else am I gonna learn to be kinda interesting and sorta funny?

When she said she can sometimes be a bitter c**t I didn't think she meant it literally...bleh!

Hello hatred, nice to see you here to keep despair company.

Charlie Sheen is the 'real' Joaquin Phoenix.

She has a hole where my heart should be.

Help me out Mothers - Should I avoid MILF jokes today or show a MILF a good time???

I like a gal who can pick stuff up with her feet.

What is it about laundromat chairs that makes folks look so sad?

It's the little things in life...like remembering the word 'abutment'.

Dang just remembered we all end up dead at the end.

Would it kill you folks to say something nice once in a while?! ...just kidding carry on.

If my memory gets any worse I'm gonna...something or was it...er...oh whatever.

Been gone for a bit, glad to see everyone is still drunk, angry and horny.

As a long time devoted member of Alcoholics Anonymous I always make it my rule to avoid heavy drinkers...unless their hot & kinda loose.

There's no easy way to say I ate all your cookies

To be or not to be...these are my f-ing choices!?!

So there's still time for a conjugal with casey anthony...