Haters gonna hate, masters gonna bate.

I don't use miracle whip. I use coincidentally-explained-by-reason whip.

My dogs just use me for my thumbs.

A butt dial is not the same as a booty call.

I never sleep on airplanes; I don't want to get incepted.

I put my pants on with the assistance of a robotic butler just like everybody else.

Where do these homeless guys keeping getting sharpies?

Mornings suck. Am I right, worms?

I feel like April Fools day would be more enjoyable if less people pretended to be engaged and pregnant and more people pretended to be dead

I love banter. BUT I HATE WITTY BANTER.

Someone stole my mood ring, I'm not sure how to feel about it.

Homeless people must be pretty bummed.

My dogs nickname is Jackie Chan, but only because she starred in a movie with my cat, Chris Tucker.

I'll lean at a 35° angle if I'm so inclined.

@rare_basement so what if he likes to wear women's underwear

Caucus is a too dirty a word for what it means.

"Human civilization is an elaborately crafted game of Calvinball. No one knows what they're doing and they're making it up as they go."

"whiskers stop being a douche" - things yelled at my cat

"I'm better at shooting with one hand", well then you're not very good at basketball, huh.

"it's a BAP" - Admiral Ackbar with tourettes