It's so old fashioned that babies are still born with cords, and not cordless

I don't want to brag, but I can shoot little babies out of my penis.

Does anyone have the cheat codes to life? I'm stuck on this level

My future girlfriend is probably getting boned by her current boyfriend right now

It doesn't matter if your glass is half empty when the bottle is half full

Twitter is making me think that hot girls who are also funny do actually exist. Let's tell jokes after sex!!

Show me an innocent looking girl with tattoos, and i'll show you a boner

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I'll say "In silence"

...May all your ex's date someone less attractive than you, amen. Cheers!

I don't know how she thought I was poor, I have like 200 packs of Ramen.

All you can drink for $20?? I'm gonna party like its $19.99!!!

This tweet is being sent from Iowa, to prove we have electricity and internet and shit

I found the way to be happy is to just be yourself. Side effects may include girls not liking you

I like to have my picture taken when I'm getting a tattoo, cuz I want to remember it forever

"A retweeted tweet gathers stars" - ancient twitter proverb

Remember to always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman, then you should be Batman

If a Prius and a Mini Cooper have a head-on collision, a flag pops out that says Bang!

Be honest, on a scale of 9 to 10, how much do you like me?

Can't afford breast implants and want to be sexier? Try getting a sense of humor

You should boil Ramen noodles for 3 minutes, or however long it takes for you to start crying.