For lent I gave up.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Give a man a fish taco and you'll be bros for life.

Time flies when you're in a coma.

Is it too early to start apologizing for things I haven't done yet?

My hips lie all the time.

I'm making a litmus test for Jews. Ranging from basic to Hasidic.

All my money's tied up in Graywhale gift cards.

Let's talk about this at home. RT @andrew_wing Should I wax my chest?

Do these fruit-by-the-foot suspenders make me look fat?

you know how people talk to the elderly with that soft, condescending prosody? I can't wait to be treated like that.

who one the election

Broccoli RT @andrew_wing How do you spell brokloi?

Sushi is weird and dumb.

This ginger is across from me in the library. Yuck.

Turns out I'm boring.

I consider myself more hungry than religious.

I LOVE TEXTING ON FRIDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHTS! THIS IS NOT A HIRED WRITER FOR ANDY WING.

Very underwhelmed by the amount of #occupymypants jokes. Come on, guys.