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For lent I gave up.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Give a man a fish taco and you'll be bros for life.
Time flies when you're in a coma.
Is it too early to start apologizing for things I haven't done yet?
My hips lie all the time.
I'm making a litmus test for Jews. Ranging from basic to Hasidic.
All my money's tied up in Graywhale gift cards.
Do these fruit-by-the-foot suspenders make me look fat?
you know how people talk to the elderly with that soft, condescending prosody? I can't wait to be treated like that.
who one the election
Sushi is weird and dumb.
This ginger is across from me in the library. Yuck.
Turns out I'm boring.
I consider myself more hungry than religious.
I LOVE TEXTING ON FRIDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHTS! THIS IS NOT A HIRED WRITER FOR ANDY WING.
Very underwhelmed by the amount of #occupymypants jokes. Come on, guys.