"Itself, itself, itself, itself, itself..." - History

Gotye just friended me on Facebook. Says we used to know each other.

Is low self-esteem the new sexy yet?

The only way to stop a bad guy with a flu is a good guy with a flu.

What doesn't kill you clearly hasn't listened to you talk about yourself for the past two hours.

Man, if these walls could just shut the fuck up.

Stoner: It's 420 somewhere! Me: No, it's only ten past. Stoner: Still! 420 somewhere! Me: You don't "get" Time at all, do you? Stoner: 420!

Me? I'm going as dull guy at party who followed you around all night then found you on Facebook even tho you only gave him your first name.

I got @robdelaney LIVE at the BOWERY BALLROOM at  http://itun.es/us/rHlqI  AND gonorrhea. Coincidence? I think not.

I'll never forget where I was when I first heard that JFK was an airport.

I can't tell you how inarticulate I feel right now.

So glad I didn't inherit Dad's habit of fucking Mom.

"Who's a good Rape? Does Rape want a treat? Sit, Rape!" Rape is a serious crime. Not a dog. Please think twice before naming your dog Rape.

Arnold Palmer looks fantastic considering he's half lemonade.

Kentucky Fried Chicken is on my bucket list.

I'd pay extra for a No More Crying Myself To Sleep shampoo.

Meanwhile, over on Facebook, someone I don't know just liked that someone else I don't know's Mom is in the hospital.

Jeez. Why'd you call the place Jack in the Box, if I can't jerk off in the booths?

"People who write LOL and have not actually laughed out loud are all rapists and murderers." - Maya Angelou

Surgeon: It's the safest most common procedure. 90% of people your age get it.
Hipster: NOOOOOO!