Orgasms are like haircuts. Sure you can do it yourself, but we all know its MUCH better when you pay an old man.

The 80's were tough. Not only did you have to worry about STDs, but you never knew when the rhythm was going to get you.

I think it's kind of gay when a dude starts talking to me at the urinal after I compliment his penis.

Hey, cunt. It's 'Draw Something'. Not 'Write Down the Answer in Letters'. LOL just kidding mom.

Two dudes walk into a bar. And a lady. Now a couple and their kids. Now a group of friends. Wait, two girls just left. My wings are here.

Romo just threw his keys to his driver and a homeless guy picked it off.

When my wife goes out of town, I sleep next to her favorite shirt. Not only does it remind me of her, it looks great on my girlfriend.

Midgets can pet their puppies as they walk, so don't feel so bad for them.

The body of a local woman was found wrapped in a tarp and dumped in a river. What kind of monster does that? Tarps take years to decompose.

Like they always say, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I guess I'm into dudes dressed like women."

It's sad that people forget to pick up their dog's turds, but hey, finders keepers.

Give a man a fish. You're a horrible gift giver.

Thanks for hitting the return key and putting your punchline 4 rows down, because I'm stupid and totally wouldn't get it otherwise.

I like my coffee like I like my women. I'll take what I can get, so long as I don't have to grind my own beans.

I asked my doctor if he thought I was healthy enough for sexual activity and he asked me to "kindly stop massaging the small of his back."

Dad's going to be pleasantly surprised this morning that I didn't forget Fathers Day this year.

Curiosity killed the cat. Curiosity is my cars name. Cat is my neighbor, Cathy.

Oh my God. So embarassed. I accidentally farted in the elevator with my boss next to me. Fourteen times.

He'll hath no fury like iPhone autocorrect.

"Now, the weather. Evan?" "Thanks, Tim. Speaking of rape, you'll feel like you're getting raped with today's humidity." - New weather guy