Women DO. NOT. CARE. how much men weigh. We don't. We care more about your ex's weight. I promise.

Why do bananas come in bunches of 6?? Who the fuck has more than three holes???

Sext: You bend me over and slip a finger in my- brb, cat just puked.

Practicing demanding child support because let's get real here

25 and miserable. Take that, 16 and Pregnant.

Who is this Mai Tai and why are you talking about him

Won't be getting bangs and/or thick framed prescription glasses this year either because STILL NOT AN ASSHOLE

Cats don't care if you call them the N word

Slap an expired condom on it and just about everything in my garage is a dildo.

THE CINNAMON APPLES IN MY LEAN CUISINE TASTE LIKE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS

LET ME KISS YOUR FRIENDS YOU SELFISH FUCK

Divorced men living by themselves eat better than I do

Pretty sure the Bible mentions sex more often than my diary has the last few years.

Gonna kick this old bitch in the fish if she tries to pay for this shit with a check

I wish I were attractive enough to need a pepper spray keychain.

hi who are the sports.

I bought a fifteen hundred dollar computer so I could check the same three sites over and over again.

Just had to put a dirty bowl on the floor because I ran our of room on the dresser.

If you love him, don't ever look to see who he follows or what he favorites.......

I've never not immediately regretted masturbating to someone after I've seen all the stupid shit they do on the Internet.