I'd quit twitter for you.

.. And then open an account you don't know about.

I like my men like...

MEN. That's all.

Oh. And smell good. And be funny. And cute. And have a job.

This is hard.

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I'm pretty.

I don't get mad.

I get silent.

Can't we just hug it out?

Closer.
Harder.
Lower.

Ok technically it's a dry hump, but just let me have this one ok?

Sext: I'm Canadian.

I guess that makes me naught ehh.

Hammered.

But not nailed.

So disappointing.

Everyone's so busy judging who gay people can marry, and yet not ONE of you stopped me from marrying the wrong guy. Thanks a lot assholes.

I haven't heard from my twitter crush in a few days.

I hope he's not doing anything fun with his wife or anything gross like that.

If I bend over for any reason and you don't immediately come behind and air hump me, you're not my kinda guy.

If we become a couple, your boner becomes my alarm clock.

Don't let me sleep in.

Watched my friend hand her phone to her hubby last night without hesitation.

Mind. Blown

Lost my phone in the blankets. Scariest 10 seconds of my god damn life.

I go down easy.


You read that right. I'm clumsy.

Sneezed while peeing.

Anyone know the proper technique to push a uterus back in?

I put my pants on just like you.

Both feet in one leg the first time.

I wish I was as fat as I thought I was 3 years ago.

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Looking for a +1 for my wedding.

Settle down psycho. I'm not trying to steal your Internet boyfriend. It's just a RT.