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I was in the bar.
The DJ started playing "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow."
I shouted, "But that's why I'm drinking!"
Globetrotters is a pretty strange team name in a sport that doesn't allow traveling.
"Fuck it." - guy in charge of naming 'hot sauce'
The news is all over the place. So, have they overthrown Gandalf, or not?
"Use the forceps, Luke." - OB/GYN Kenobi
After the third time he yelled "IT'S A TRAP" to a girl at the bar it became abundantly clear that Admiral Akbar was an awful wing man.
Judging from this guy’s hair, I’ll bet his wallet has business cards up front and Party City receipts in the back.
"Figaro is so played out" - Opera hipster
I don't need everything child-proofed for me, but it's a good idea to round off the corners of my tortilla chips.
Clear my mind. Focus on breathing. Ok. Fuck. How do I stop thinking? Shit! That was a thought. Did I leave the iron on? Meditation is hard.
No, it's cool. Some of my best friends are a poster of Malcolm X I have on my wall.
Whatever you think is cool today, is KISS’s “Lick It Up” video, tomorrow.
Do left handed lesbos scissor differently?
Wonder if her ghost sighs and dramatically whines, "It's a JOURNAL" each time someone purchases "The Diary of Anne Frank."
Unsure of the correct way to fill out a wedding RSVP card, I usually just write M______________________arriage is hard.
"Cleanliness is next to godliness." - Store clerk helping a customer find the cleanliness.
My Chinese food delivery guy knows exactly what me putting on pants sounds like.
Laziness looks really good on a resume when it's rewritten as "loyal."
I love the word "cocktails" because it makes me think of cocktails.
Wayne Brady doesn't look like Carol or Mike.
I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for *after* photos.