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Everytime I watch Hoarders I elbow the cats and say "That could be us someday."
Please don't DM telling me about your peen. Unless it shoots glitter and can pay my rent, I've basically already seen it.
I'm home because, well, I didn't go big, I guess.
I'd love to shrink a few people down, put them in a snow globe, and shake the shit out of it.
Kim Kardashian's perfume smells like new basketball and used vagina.
If I had to choose between being a vampire or a lycan, I would stfu because girls don't get laid off convos that start like that.
I just called to my cat using all of her nicknames and it only took me 45 minutes.
Febreze commercials have taught me that people are easy to kidnap.
Marilyn Monroe should have listened to her own inspirational quotes.
You guys always talk about ex wives this and ex wives that. I'm an ex wife and I fucking rock. Now gimme half of that beer you're enjoying.
I accidentally wrecked myself because I didn't use caution to check myself first.
I don't date outside of my class. So if you have $7.13 or less in your bank account, let's hook up.
You guys might be having all the sex, but I hold the high score on Bejeweled.
This club can't even handle me right now. Mostly because it's closed, and also because this is a college library.
I'm not pretentious, I just happen to be smarter and more cultured than you.
Have to sleep with my face two inches from the fan because it's so hot and so I'll sound robotic if I talk in my sleep.
So when is Cat Week?
Maybe Mormons just really like wedding cake.
There's a 63yr old woman snorting meth on tv. Can I use YOLO in this situation?
Just threw my cigarette at two spiders. They can share it or put it out. I don't give a fuck. I'm moving.
If you're a douchebag, then we've probably dated.