OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.

She never even knew.

I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs...But I totally trust a dog when it doesn't like a person.

I don't sign anything without pretending to read it first.

I just googled "dying alone" and it brought me to my own twitter timeline.

If you are honestly interested in me for me and not just sex, you are gonna get sooo much sex.

My favourite part of guys in their 20's trying to pick me up is that I can tell them my number is 867-5309 and they believe me.

"200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North." Something you never hear in the news.

With this coupon, bras & panties are 20% off.
That's nothing. With charm, a sense of humour and a little wine, bras & panties are 100% off.

My superpower is pretending I don't see red flags.

Found a skittle in my bra. Ate it. Sadest Saturday night ever.

Whenever anyone asks me for my advice, I take their face in my hands, lean in real close & whisper "you realize I'm a fucking idiot, right?"

Before twitter I thought the insane were sad and they need to get some help; now I think they are hilarious and they need to get some stars.

The biggest turn-on is a man with a huge vocabulary who knows how to use it.

Size matters.

Someone just told me to "have a blessed day."
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

I googled anal-retentive to see whether it needs a hyphen.

I'm not saying that you're boring and unattractive, but if you were an ice cream flavor you'd be the tub of water they rinse the scoops in.

For a smart phone it sure allows me to do some really stupid things.

Keeping a secret is hard.
Being a secret is even harder.

I hide my subtweets in my retweets.

Let's face it, twitter is not a hobby...it's more of a symptom.