Sometimes the only way to really get into someone's head is with a bone saw.

Touch the thermostat one more time and I'm going to set you on fire since you apparently like it hotter than a fucking oven in here.

So what was wrong with making cars that started with actual keys? That was getting too hard for you dumb asses?

Smart ass people who don't understand painfully obvious sarcasm deserve to be mercilessly ridiculed with more sarcasm

But, if I held the door for you I wouldn't have been able to ride the elevator by myself. You understand.

I fed a pelican today

Whatever. I'm drunk. Give me a star.

When you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

I fucking hate it when people think believing in yourself is so easy, like flipping a light switch. Fuck you.

I really can't figure out what I suck more at: being single, being in a relationship, or quantum physics

Know what? I'm sitting over here enjoying my hot cup of shut the fuck up. You should try some.

It took me over 30 years to realize that all of the colored sprinkles taste exactly the same. Someone will pay for this.

Oh, shut up, liver. You'll be fine.

Don't smile at me. I was staring at you because you're ugly.

Gone are the days when I could just jump in the pool fully clothed without thinking twice. Thanks a lot, Steve Jobs.

I'll walk on your chalk drawing if I want to, little girl. You dont own the fucking sidewalk.

Twitter is not your life. Nor is your life twitter. Your life just happens to be ON twitter.

(I'm still bleeding)

Remember when it was warm out? That was fun.

QFT.

Quit Fucking Talking.

I should call my mother before I smoke pot.

No, I don't want your opinion. If I ever wanted it, I'd hold a power drill to my forehead until that feeling went away. #ihatemycoworker