Rural bumblebees live in Bumblefuck. They also wanna bumblefuck the bee queen even though shes totally high maintenance & not even that cute

Pandas are gold-digging whores.

Tasmanian Devils really do tornado spins like in the cartoons. When they poop while spinning it's what scientists call a "shit-storm".

Song birds actually learn to sing through listening to older birds and mimicking them. They used to call it retweeting but we ruined it.

Wolverines do NOT have near-indestructible metal alloy adamantium bound to their skeletons & claws. They look like lame fucking beavers.

Cockroaches are the only animals on Earth that can survive seeing Madonna naked.

When lesbian caterpillars are scissoring it's epic.

Velociraptors drink as little as two appletinis before making poor decisions.

Porcupines are vocal right wing conservatives, but they secretly enjoy anonymous gay bathroom sex.

Oh and when hens like it, they put a cock-ring on it.

Ducks fly in V-formation to honor the VAGINA.

Hyenas laugh, yes, but only at Dane Cook jokes. They're kind of lame.

Penguins were actually invented by a Polish midget.

Woodpeckers give awful blow jobs.

The pheromone emitted when bears go into heat smells exactly like Britney Spears' perfume.

Dogs lick water out of the toilet bowl for the same reason they lick their own genitals:

It's delicious.

Giraffes are looking down your shirt, ladies.

Male monkeys love it when female monkeys eat their bananas niiiiiice and slow.

If you kiss a frog it turns into a prince! If you kiss that prince he turns into the artist formerly known as Prince. Good luck with that.

Hens love cock.