I just heard a girl say she doesn't give BJs now that she's married. I'd ask her husband about it, but it's hard to talk with my mouth full.

People at work are shocked that I drink every night. They're more shocked when I flying scissor kick them in the face for being so boring.

Some people say it's wrong to drink every day. I say fuck those people.

My car smells like herb, my coffee table smells like cocaine, and my life smells like I'm about to get my own show on A&E.

New followers I feel its in your best interest to warn you that I plan to have sex with every one of you in 2012.

Just when I'm ready to give up on men, I get the sense fucked back into me. In unrelated news, it hurts to sit today.

I rub my nipples for luck before I punch people in the face. It confuses the shit out of them so they can't react in time. See? Lucky!

Do darker liquors make you dirtier? I mean a vodka night would always end in sex, but my rum and coke is promising anal...

Is it weird that I'd take pills from some stranger at a party, but I just got grossed out by a co-worker's pocket Advil?

I feel like Twitter has made me a more aggressive face-sitter.

The best thing about wine is that it stops that awful sober feeling.

Drinking and smoking in the garage might seem trashy and cold at first, but the money shots that it leads to make your complexion amazing!

Women here need to learn to have some drinks and fuck. Being a miserable cunt all day gives you wrinkles.

I couldn't figure out why all the men here were being extra nice today, until I realized I had a little yogurt on the side of my mouth.

I don't know what the socially acceptable level of drunk is for a Sunday night, but I'm pretty sure I just skull-fucked the shit out of it.

My super power is making wine, inhibitions, and dignity disappear. Usually in that order.

This afternoon, I'm going to put the "fun" in functional alcoholic.

I give up on giving a fuck. If anyone needs me, I'll be curled up at the bottom of a bottle of tequila, deep throating the worm.

If you're looking for me, I'm on bottle number three and I'm doing bad things to stuff.

I had so much sex this weekend that a skirt wasn't an option today. You never know when you might lose a little bit of leftover juice.