Alcohol was invented when ancient people were forced to spend time with their family.

Morning routine:
1. Creep on twitter
2. Creep on Instagram
3. Ignore FB
4. Roll over and go back to sleep

"I have to go number three. Do you know what number three is? It's when you have to pee and poop at the exact same time." -my 7yo boy

Apparently 7yo’s have the worst lives with the personal chef, maid, chauffeur, event planner, tutor and slave that live with them.

There should be a mute, unfollow, block button for kids awake after 7pm.

I could never be a secret agent because all it would take to get me to spill state secrets is a taco and a margarita.

Looking into joining a nudist colony because fuck all this damn laundry.

How to clean a bathroom floor:
1. Put 3 kids in tub
2. Fill tub with water and bubble bath
3. Walk away
4. Return 5 min later
5. Mop up mess

What I love most about being a woman is how my body trys to trick me into thinking I am dying every 28 days.

Living with kids is a constant reminder that we are descended from animals.

LOL at first time moms trying to navigate with their SUV sized strollers.

"Hold on I have to wipe a kid butt." -something I just said while on the phone

It's that time of day when I hate everything in my closet and consider lighting it on fire.

Dear vodka, I love you.



The end.

A big fat middle finger to anyone who thinks staying at home with kids is an easy/lazy job.

I measured the coffee grounds wrong and now I'm drinking a cup of liquid shit.

Kid morning breath should be bottled and used as a weapon.

Eww to all you people exercising today instead of sitting on the couch and eating cookies.

Sir, are you homeless or a hipster? I really can't tell.

I wish this water that I'm drinking was actually vodka.