If you're a dude.. with a penis.. and you listen to Drake, you're dead to me.

New STD called, "feelings".. Don't catch that shit.

If I appear as if I'm deeply thinking, I'm probably just imagining you naked.. And how bad you'd look.

On this glorious April fool's day. I will call my mother up and inform her that I am 2 months pregnant.

I like how people sum up their whole existence in a sentence. Wife, daughter, fashion mogul, blabla.. U forgot to mention pretentious bitch.

Never underestimate the power of an extremely pissed off woman.

Don't bullshit a bullshitter.

We should sacrifice a non virgin just to fuck with Satan. Like.. "HA! GOTCHA!"

As a toddler, when other girls were playing dress up your doll, I was watching Chucky, observing and learning.

Too bad when I turn my location on, it wont mention that Im in the bathroom.. Under the bed.. or @ my neighbour's when his wife's not there.

I could use a very unhealthy junk meal right about now :-(

I mislead people like a motherfucker.

But i do it unintentionally, I promise.

Dear women, stop fooling yourselves. We all know you don't like that metrosexual crap. You're into cave men!

Calling all ugly men.. Holla.

I require a 5'10 male, late twenties/ early thirties, never married, for publicity reasons.

For the Maury show, to be specific.

My jokes are so much funnier in person cause I got a nice rack.

Why can't I have a man sing to me like those nerds on Glee.

#cheesy

I think my middle finger has had too much caffeine… it's been up all day.

We all know a douchebag named George.

How hard is it to be on time? If I fuckin respect appointments and am there on fuckin time, then I fuckin expect you to do the fuckin same.