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Several times a day an assassin comes to kill my master but my super bark persuades each assassin to walk straight past the fence!
I suck my stomach in when ever I weigh myself!
It doesn't make me weigh less but at least I can see the numbers!
Wow, this chicken tastes like everything.
I hadn't seen my priest for 20 years and I've put on a bit of weight since I was 8, so I was so relieved when he still wanted to have sex!
That thing above your tits is really pretty.
Some girls are so cute, I don't even want to see them naked incase they have weird boobs or dangly cunt parts.
Have The Cure ever done an AIDS benefit concert?
Hey nerds, make World of Lovecraft, not World of Warcraft.
Did you know, if you mix Tea and Coffee it doesn't taste like Toffee?
Tips for anyone visiting Australia:
1) It's fucking hot.
2) We know it's fucking hot.
3) Don't tell everyone you meet that it's fucking hot.
I go to Halloween parties as a Ninja, so don't expect to see me there.
Beer and nachos for lunch!
I have a great life!
Apart from the lack of a sex, the anxiety disorder, being over weight and my alcoholism!
Girls make the best finger puppets.
I hate when a tweet I think is awesome doesn't get a reaction!
Then I put it on facebook, 15 positive comments, then I realize it's shit!
I try not to tweet about things I'm doing incase it gets taken out of context, but this cock is delicious!
If no kids came to your house asking for candy on Halloween, the neighborhood thinks you're a pedophile.
teacher told me, 'if the only thing you've learnt is to count to ten, you'll never be anything!'
Fuck him! I'm a boxing referee!
Ladies, you are all beautiful no matter what the size, except you skeletor eat a fucking sandwich!
OH YEAH? WELL I FUCKED YOUR MUM!
-How I end arguments with my son.
I filled my blow up doll with helium gas and now I can't reach her.
All the girlys say I'm pretty fly2 for Annoyedguy2.