Got 2 work a few hrs 2day. In other words, get paid 2 tweet. So if you need medical assistance you prob want the hospital down the street.

People who live in plexiglass houses get knocked unconscious by their own rocks.

FYI - Please don't give me anymore ToTDs. I appreciate them very much, but they cause drama if I miss one and don't give a timely thank you.

I don't care if your hip's broken & you're 7 months pregnant. I'm not giving my seat up, bitch. Life's rough. Wear a helmet.

- New Yorkers

I fucking swear if I don't get a trophy soon I'm going to church tomorrow and tweeting the service verbatim.

Apparently a fitness coach won't help you fit into a magnum, and now I'm no longer allowed in the gym.

I'm not saying the tellers in this bank are unattractive, but it's starting to look like Gringotts up in here.

Why buy the cow when you get the milk free?

Uh, long-term production value and resale.

It's like some people don't understand cow farming.

People stopped giving me dat (fist pound) because I'm a competitive rock, paper, scissors player and always cover their hand. Sore losers.

I have a sunburn that looks like a giant birthmark on both thighs. Moral of the story is, don't spray sunblock drunk.

My commitment to keeping my phone charged exceeds anything else I do in my life.

Recent research has shown my cock has beat out smoking and pregnancy as the leading cause of mouth wrinkles and stretch marks, respectively.

When dragons go clubbing, they wear t-shirts with douchebags on them.

Did you hear about the emo kid who accidentally shaved himself while cutting?

Female porn stars: do tampons even stay up there anymore?

This keeps me awake at night.

I think my next door neighbor feels sorry for me because I live alone. Fuck her and her loving family.

I don't know whether or not I had breakfast but I do remember every shortcut in Mario Kart.

Happiness is picking up a book from the shelf years after my mom's death and finding a sweet note tucked inside from her to me.

Look, it's not like I went into this thinking, "After I cum, I'm gonna desperately cling to you & sob like someone died." Just happened, ok?

After every set of curls during a really intense workout, I flex and kiss both biceps cause I can't quite reach my wiener with my face.