So I was giving my girlfriend a blowjob yesterday, and thought to myself... "Hey wait a second..."

I don't even know why I bother shaving every morning.

None of my co-workers ever notice how much larger it makes my cock look.

Doing the crossword, I asked my GF for a four letter word for a woman ending in 'unt'. She said, "Aunt." I said, "Pass me the eraser."

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After, you only dress yourself.

Moral of the story

In life, no one helps you once you're fucked

Airplanes have now banned tweezers. I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.

Fucking sick of penis enlargement emails. Got 10 today, and 8 of them were from my girlfriend.

But its the 2 from my mom that really hurt.

GF just burst in and said its about time I grew up and get a job.

WTF? I clearly put a no girls allowed sign on the door to my fort.

We should be allowed to fuck the first person we ever had sex with again....Just to show them how good we've got at it.

Everybody thinks every girls dream is to find the perfect Guy...pshhh every girls dream is to eat without getting fat!

Best friends girlfriend is 6 months pregnant. She asked me if I wanted to feel the baby.

On reflection, I think she meant on the outside.

I love feminists, especially ones with huge tits.

Sat down next to my GF and said, "You look so cute when you're concentrating"

She said "Will you fuck off while I'm trying to take a shit."

My girlfriends pussy smells like roses.


But Rose's pussy is tighter.

Dating a stripper is like eating noisy chips in church...everyone looks at you disgustingly, but deep down inside they want some too.

FACEBOOK STATUS: Tonight I'm going to sleep naked.


14 mosquitoes LIKE THIS.

Are you the type of girl who isn't afraid to drop the "m" in moral???

Dear little line of dirt that wont go onto the dust pan,
Fuck you!!

Been talking to my neighbours daughter. Turns out she's big into UFOs and aliens.


Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

Seriously, why don't girls just rename 'Periods' to 'Blowjob Week'?

As I sit here in front of the doctor, I can't help but wonder,

"How would I know if he just told me that I had short term memory loss".