DID YOU KNOW: Everyone who owns a gun has Jason-Bourne-like reflexes, training and instincts and can protect you from any danger? It's true!

One day Kristen Stewart will have a career retrospective like Jodie Foster's! #GoldenGlobes

"WHOM ARE YOU WEARING?" - PBS red carpet correspondent #Oscars

Congratulations to Kourtney Kardashian on the birth of her next season!

Mitt Romney and Rick Perry look like royalty-free stock photos of businessmen.

Coldplay, or as I call them U3.

If someone collects swords, he's a weirdo nutjob. If he collects guns, he's a proud American exercising his freedoms.

It's comforting that even in today's fast-paced Bluetooth age, some people are just insane and talking only to themselves.

I've started wearing fatigues to justify my dog's reaction when I come home.

Thanks for trying to rewrite my joke in your comment, Facebook friend!

If you're safe and healthy today, you won. Stay that way. Everything else can be fixed.

I just read George Lucas added a CGI Potsie and Laverne to American Graffiti. He really needs to cut it out.

I want the Honey Nut Cheerios bee and the Nasonex bee to fight to the death for my amusement.

OMG Tracy Morgan just gained a ton of weight! Put ABC on now! #Emmys

When Dick Clark passed, did Ryan Seacrest absorb his power like in Highlander?

Khloe Kardashian looks like somebody bombarded Winnie Cooper with gamma rays.

Ikea found horse in some of its Swedish meatballs. Or as they call it, Klippklöppen.

If you identify as a nerd, you're not. Actual nerds think they're hot shit.

No matter how busy I am, I always manage to make room in my life to get unreasonably angry when a tweet I'm proud of gets no reaction.

I like that on any given day I can see Alec Baldwin on my TV in all of his weight classes.