When life hands you lemons be glad it wasnt a baby

My favorite superhero is Captain Morgan.

If I'm mean to you when I'm drunk I fucking hate you when I'm sober

Remember when girls had sweet 16's, now they have babyshowers instead.

My mom's going through a phase where she cries everytime she see's that I'm still living with her.

Dont you hate it when you get all dressed up ready to go out, but then you change into your pajamas because you remember you have no friends

Hey girls, remember that while you're thinking about forgiving him for cheating he's thinking about how good your sister looks.

Nothing says you've given up on life quite like a tattoo on your face.

I'm in a love hate situation I love vagina I just hate what it's attached to

I wouldn't be surprised if God was a beautiful woman, that would explain why God ignores me all the time.

Sorry I was gone so long guys, I was going thru a phase were I thought I could get my life back together, false alarm though.

If money could talk I still wouldn't have anybody to talk too.

I don't know why you guys hate mondays so much when all you do is twitter everyday.

The reason I star everyone's tweets is the same reason I respond lol to a lot of things that aren't funny, which is I'm an idiot.

I just want a girl who isn't affraid of hitting that retweet button, is that to much to ask for.

In china they have one wanted picture for all the criminals

Girls there's so many great things to do with the human mouth why waste it by talking

It's always worth going that extra mile...........if there is a liquor store on the way

I'm no alcoholic, If coffee tasted good with Vodka I would have that in the morning instead of just a Vodka

The key to a girls heart is the same one that opens your car and house.