I think the hardest part about being a cashier is telling the girl buying 3 pregnancy tests to "Have a nice day"

80% of people dont care about your problems & 20% of people are happy you have them.

Fuck you ridiculously photogenic people

I wont even go in a store if it doesn't have doors that automatically open.

Sarcasm- because stabbing you in the face would get my ass locked up.

Being an adult is bullshit

First you get the khakis. Then you get the jobs. Then you get the pussy.

Never underestimate peoples ability to let you down

I smell like failed dreams and shame. And hot dogs. Overwhelmingly like hot dogs. But the other stuff too.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

If lesbians don't call the wet spot scissor sauce, I don't know why they even bother.

Oh you got your 5 year old an ipad? I can't wait to hear how surprised youll be when they break it.

Twitters not that hard. Its not rocket surgery.

Sorry ladies but if I wanted sex with strings attached Id bang a puppet.

There's a special place in hell for people that use the "word" qi in Words with Friends.

Bacon is to white people what chicken is to black people. Took me 30 years to come up with that gem.

I star shit with reckless abandon

Asian girls with huge titties are the new white girls with ass.

Andreson Cooper: "Im gay" Everyone in the world: "No shit"

Happy #FF! I didn't follow anyone you suggested.