Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says "probably just shitfaced."

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." Hotel Clerk "No, it's regular porn, you sick bitch.”

Squirrels are starting to hide nuts for the winter. 3 neighbors have disappeared so far.

Fish should come with nipples so we can tell how cold the water is....

"Import contacts to find your friends on Twitter" Are you fucking CRAZY?????????????????????????

You're somebody's reason to masturbate.

Don't be so serious. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me... I'll laugh at you.

If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Saw a dog licking herself. Friend said, "Wish I could do that" and I said "I think you ought to pet her first".

I want to stand by an occupied porta potty and speak in the vent "bless me father for I have sinned. Its been 20yrs since my last confession

I used to have super powers, but my therapist took them away.

Big thanks to the guy who farted in the checkout line and let everyone think its me.

If Johnny Depp doesn't call tonight, we're over. I don't put up with that shit.

Who's that sexy beast? Oh. I clicked on my own profile again.

Friend "I'm two months pregnant when will the baby start to move?" If your lucky, as soon as it turns 18.

I'd wear odor eaters but I'm afraid they'd climb up my leg.

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am... stuck on Twitter with you.

Ever hate a job so much you pray for a bomb threat?

Man I have the sexiest funniest most warped followers. Blessed in a sick sort of way.

Ummm. What are you protecting your tweets from? Color me stupid. I don't get it. Live a little, sugar booger.