"Can't wait until I grow up & inexplicably become a chef at a fancy expensive restaurant!" -- every tattooed kid into punk rock in the 1980s

Hey @prodigalsam, this is wack and bums me out! pic.twitter.com/PwyiaYdykU

CODE RED! CODE RED! SHUT THE INTERNET DOWN! pic.twitter.com/tEM8bCt9z7

I was the only girl on a 25-email deep thread about Batman today, in case anyone wants to get married

Most of the time I'm like, "What?" but then other times I'm like, "Huh?"

A dude comic was all "I don't go to strip clubs, strippers are too sad/pathetic" & I was like "You talk about your dick into a mic onstage"

With all the differences they list, how come one of the lyrics in Paula Abdul's Opposites Attract wasn't "I exist / and you're a cartoon" ?

Sorry it took me until 2012, but I finally made that Venn diagram for Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name." http://t.co/gblEfNF1

How cold hearted & arrogant is the ground control guy in Bowie's Space Oddity? "Tell my wife I love her very much--" "SHE KNOWS (eye roll)."

2 Legitimate 2 Quitimate

So windy outside; I bet the kid from American Beauty is out there actually jerking off to the sight of MANY plastic bags I saw flying around

QUICK WHAT'S THE PROPER PROTOCOL WHEN YOU'RE NEXT TO A REALLY CUTE DUDE AT A RED LIGHT? ASK FOR GREY POUPON? OR JUST PUT 'EM ON THE GLASS??

Steven Tyler looks like he sells turquoise out of an RV in New Mexico

TRUE STORY THAT JUST HAPPENED: I had to call I.T. because I got a virus on my work computer after Googling "Huey Lewis huge dick rumors"

I now share a birthday with Jessica Simpson's kid, so to those of you with September 11 birthdays: I get it.

"Yeah, that's a pretty good discount... FOR ME TO GROUPON!"

"Ed Burns' movies are like if a construction worker tried to make Woody Allen films." -- @howardkremer

MY GMAIL HAS BEEN DOWN FOR FIVE MINUTES! I ALREADY GREW A BEARD AND MOVED INTO A CABIN DEEP IN THE WOODS! TECHNOLOGY HAS BETRAYED US!

If you say you "aren't into" Prince OR David Bowie, I feel worse for you than if you'd told me you lost your whole family in a fire tornado

I'm not racist, but if you were born in the 1990s, I hate you.  http://whoarethestoneroses.tumblr.com