Always weird when I see signs on the road going, "PLEASE don't drink & drive," like politeness is real crucial when dealing w/ drunk drivers

OK, let's get back to the fully original tweet gems I'm known for, like: GOD I LOVE THE SMITHS!! I STILL PUMP THEIR JAMS ALWAYS!! #Morrissey

@kfan @sarahbrown For me personally, Work Slams are strictly LAST RESORT

@shittingtonuk @fun_beard Yes!! Exactly!! "I'm so sad my 'heroes' don't see this stealing as just flattery or tributes" or whatever! Gross!

@sarahbrown okay Chip has the same feelings about this & is like, "Think about it! They are PAYING you to dump!!!"

3. Not trying to start some huge Twitter war, but it's just really weird/sad -- @prodigalsam steals from a ton of my funny friends!

2. IRL friends like @jakefogelnest brought his CONSTANT STEALING to my attention & showed me this:  http://borrowingsam.tumblr.com/  ...

Whoa! Can't respond to everyone! 1. Never followed @prodigalsam, only heard of him yesterday when someone brought tweet to my attention...

@josephfarley @shittingtonuk He blocked me immediately after I tried to send a personal response! Totally the behavior of an innocent dude!

@shittingtonuk @josephfarley @prodigalsam  http://sammyrhodes.tumblr.com/post/42999941220/what-i-learned-last-wednesday-on-twitter …

@chase_observes @ahm76 @elibraden Ha! Yeah! He blocked me tonight, too! Sounds like the actions of an innocent man!

@josephfarley @shittingtonuk No way! That's just called THE INTERNET.

Hey @prodigalsam, this is wack and bums me out! pic.twitter.com/PwyiaYdykU

"If you're white and you own a Mac and two microphones, you might have a podcast." (said in Jeff Foxworthy cadence)

Hey Los Angeles, @danajgould is allowing me to open for him at the Improv tomorrow night, so please come on out!  http://hollywood.improv.com/show.cfm?id=138954 …

@louispeitzman We do! We can also talk about how that guy's ACTUAL FIRST NAME was Taco!!!

If you asked "What have you talked about w/friends recently?" the GENUINE answer is "How scary the video was for Taco's Puttin' On the Ritz"

@pauljaycomic BROKE MY WRIST FAVORITING THIS SO FAST

Brand new Go Bayside is up, featuring the wonderful @daveholmes, who is a 10/a blonde Tom Cruise!  http://gobayside.tumblr.com 

The Smiths released their first single 30 years ago today. This is important to me even as an adult!  https://www.facebook.com/AprilRichardson.comedy/posts/459631227454414 …