Hey, website. Fuck you.

My password is not weak, it's fucking superman strong. My password could fuck your password up, bitch.

I broke into a car, had an abortion, and made an antenna to get free porn, all with ONE coat hanger! NEAT!

Insult me by calling me a fruit loop?

Well, well, toucan play that game.

"It's your loss, really" - Me, drunk, talking to my dildo with a dead battery

Whenever you're feeling really awesome, remember; you came out of a guys balls.

My safe word is "I'm a hermaphrodite."

Saw this guy with his pants on fire today, I kept yelling "tell the truth! it'll go away!" as he was engulfed in hellish flames.

Idiot!

Spiderwebs are cool, because you know spiders make them. Cobwebs are fucking scary because what the fuck is a cob?

I read scientific porn, for the particles.

My followers could totally fuck up your followers.

I'm not an alcoholic! Really rude!

I have a unique condition called "soberphobic".

You guys are so selfish, only think about yourselves, not important stuff.

Who the FUCK is going to narrate Morgan Freemans life?

WHO?!

Just spelled "twitter" in Scrabble and lost -364 points, for no reason.

Hey, hipster buying 100$ bottle of Vodka.

I'm buying 10 bottles of cheaper Vodka for 10$ each.

I win at getting drunker.

If I had the choice, I'd name my left breast "Karl" and my right one "Marx" because, I love being Social, and I'd flash everyone.

Whenever I'm cold, the goosebumps on my tits read in braille:

"get the fuck inside, bitch, it's cold."

There's really no way to check for change in my pockets without looking like I'm masturbating.

Score!

Morning breath just called, and said "Yeah, you're not getting ANY morning sex." I heard laughs in the background, too.

Mother always said, treat others the way you'd like to be fucked the shit out of.

Some girls don't get their periods, they get their exclamation points, but in very large font.