SHOCKER OF THE NIGHT: Mitt Romney Helps American Man Keep His Job

FOXNEWS REPORTS: Obama Administration Kills Homeless Religious Man with Kidney Disease

How sweet would it be if the actual shot was fired by a gay soldier?

BREAKING: "I'm Just a Bill" Bill Asked to Explain Debt Negotiations in Song, Takes Own Life

How ironic if tomorrow all the non-believers in evolution are systematically removed from the species.

Wow, Mitt Romney is there representing the Caymans. #Olympics

What if it's actually Glenn Close AS Meryl Streep? #oscars

You have to admit "binder full of women" is better than Romney's original phrase, "Tramper Keeper." #mockthevote #debate

Most brilliant/stupid thing ever! "Baby Got Back" as sung by 295 movie clips: http://t.co/RrMPsfxM

For me, the red flag was that all of Paula Deen's recipes end with "Kills 4."

"Rihanna is starring in BATTLESHIP" is proof that Hollywood is now being run by Mad Libs.

Boymeats, Whirled #depressingsitcoms

"Karl Vs. FoxNews" has to be the best Edward Albee play of all time.

Steve Jobs actually just wanted to announce he was recycling, but he got Auto-Corrected to "resign." #stevejobs

I've just hired Alex Jones as my car alarm.

Texas man receives 1st face transplant -- unfortunately, it's the face of a gay Muslim illegal immigrant.

A tattoo is the only truly authentic way to express to the world how bored you are.

"We want the libertarian!" "But also the guy who wants to outlaw birth control!" - the timeless clearheaded wisdom of Iowa

"Well, Ma'am, what if I told you the man who killed your husband was...BEHIND YOUR EAR?" (from my unproduced pilot, "MagicCop")

Michael Vick on being benched as Eagles QB: "When life gives you lemons, start an illegal, violent, lemon-fighting ring."