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SHOCKER OF THE NIGHT: Mitt Romney Helps American Man Keep His Job
FOXNEWS REPORTS: Obama Administration Kills Homeless Religious Man with Kidney Disease
How sweet would it be if the actual shot was fired by a gay soldier?
BREAKING: "I'm Just a Bill" Bill Asked to Explain Debt Negotiations in Song, Takes Own Life
How ironic if tomorrow all the non-believers in evolution are systematically removed from the species.
Wow, Mitt Romney is there representing the Caymans. #Olympics
What if it's actually Glenn Close AS Meryl Streep? #oscars
You have to admit "binder full of women" is better than Romney's original phrase, "Tramper Keeper." #mockthevote #debate
For me, the red flag was that all of Paula Deen's recipes end with "Kills 4."
"Rihanna is starring in BATTLESHIP" is proof that Hollywood is now being run by Mad Libs.
Boymeats, Whirled #depressingsitcoms
"Karl Vs. FoxNews" has to be the best Edward Albee play of all time.
Steve Jobs actually just wanted to announce he was recycling, but he got Auto-Corrected to "resign." #stevejobs
I've just hired Alex Jones as my car alarm.
Texas man receives 1st face transplant -- unfortunately, it's the face of a gay Muslim illegal immigrant.
A tattoo is the only truly authentic way to express to the world how bored you are.
"We want the libertarian!" "But also the guy who wants to outlaw birth control!" - the timeless clearheaded wisdom of Iowa
"Well, Ma'am, what if I told you the man who killed your husband was...BEHIND YOUR EAR?" (from my unproduced pilot, "MagicCop")
Michael Vick on being benched as Eagles QB: "When life gives you lemons, start an illegal, violent, lemon-fighting ring."
Rob Kutner. Conan/Daily Show writer, author of the new 99-cent e-book THE FUTURE ACCORDING TO ME (http://t.co/GUyPlCv) and the book this account is named after.