"Said no one ever." -Said everyone on Twitter.

Sometimes I wish I lived in the Canada that Americans think I live in.

I don't really need a hair cut but that's the only time I get to wear a cape.

Apartment? Background check. Adopt a pet? Background check. Volunteer with kids? Background check. Semi-automatic weapon? YOLO MOTHERFUCKER

@pattonoswalt A bully doesn't get the privilege of designating his victim's retaliation. Good for him.

"@courtneystodden Only 2 more days until I get to blow 18 ... ummm ... candles ;)"/ You don't have to drop hints. We know you're a whore.

Yes, the #yeg #idlenomore protest is a huge inconvenience, but let's take it easy with the tasteless racist comments. A little class, please

My "awkward stage" started at 3 and ended at no seriously when does this shit end

Paul Akin is making a speech but I can't hear it over the sound of my UTERUS SINGING 'I WILL SURVIVE' MOTHERFUCKERS. #electionday2012 #fb

"Excuse me Sir, my boobs are DOWN HERE. I didn't wear this dress so you could tell me I have beautiful eyes."

Saying "Relax" during an argument is a great way to see what your girlfriend would look like as a velociraptor.

"OMG, I am such a nerd."- girls who are in no way nerds but who have watched Star Wars twice. #fb

I spilled soup on my phone but it was organic kale soup so it just took up knitting and started an acoustic sitar band come see our show

If you are an atheist vegan with a favorite yoga studio and wine bar, in what way do you decide to annoy people first?

I am officially changing the name of my muffin top to Whore Handles.

My dating history is just a list of people I'm still apologizing to.

"Women are like wine- they get better with age & if you aren't going to finish it, pass it to me, I'll drink it."
I'm not very good at this

I follow a lot of people who don't follow me because I can experience something as it's own reward rather than what it can do to serve me.

You will work a job you hate. You will pretend to like people you don't. You will drink more than you should. This is called being an adult.

A shout out to people who notice errors in spelling or grammar and don't point it out like an entitled assbag.