This drunk bitch just whipped out her tits & said to me "Come here & suck on these puppies!". My mom is so embarrassing when she drinks.

I took in pride in knowing I was the most fucked up degenerate in the room. Then I joined Twitter. Now I'm just a small fish in a big pond.

I love it when women say that they've "experimented" with other girls. There must be a shitload of stripper/scientists running around.

Some of you young people don't know this, but Eddie Murphy used to be the funniest guy on the planet. Take my word for it.

Let me respond to some subtweets I assume are about me: Yes. No. What the fuck? My cock IS that big. Whatever! Only once... in college.

I wanna thank myself for the incredible handjob I just got.

You followed me. You unfollowed me. You blocked me for... ? Now you're following me again? I expect a rabbit boiling on my stove later on.

A baby smiled at me today & it warmed my heart. The only thing more beautiful than a child filled with joy is cocaine.

My girlfriend said I had a beautiful penis. Blah... blah... blah. I heard the same shit from my old cellmate. Flattery gets you nowhere.

If you ever get caught jerkin' off - stare intensely at the person & say "Hold still... we are one now." They freak & run away. Trust me!

I starred the shit outta you! Yea, you liked that didn't you? Yea, that felt good didn't it? Yea, why the fuck am I tweeting like this?

I don't think the word "fuck" is used enough. Especially on Twitter.

I was at the mall when some old fat guy with a long white beard wanted me to sit on his lap & tell him my wishes. This was back in July.

I wish my Twitter crush lived closer to me so I could key her car when she doesn't star my super funny tweets.

Jan. 1, 2012 I will unveil the Top 10 Twitter followers that I want to bang. Gotta do an age check - I don't need another Myspace incident.

If I unfollowed you then send me a shout out so I can follow again. I didn't do it purposely. Same goes if you want me to bang you. I will.

All women are beautiful & should be treated with love & respect! (Hey fellas, tell your bitch that if wanna get you some bush.)

Everyone should have the right to think & say whatever they want. I have the right to think & call you a jackass.

I was just kicked out of a 'lesbian-issues' chat room. Somehow they knew I was a guy. Must've been all the "Who has a wet pussy" questions.

Morning routine: Cry for 5min. Check Twitter. Cry for 3min. Beg girlfriend for a blowjob. Jerk off because I didn't get a blowjob. Take nap.