My day so far: wake up, smoke and twitter, go back to sleep, wake up and twitter, twitter on the shitter, smoke and go to the bank.

If twitter was a bus, it would be the short one with you guys in the back licking the windows.

What does a priest get when he wants pussy? Nun.

I just read my timeline and realized I'm kind of fucked up..

You know when you go to your friends temple and spin the prayer wheel and say "I-I-I--I-I want the knife" ? Yeah they don't like that

I am apparently doomed. 99 followers. I feel like that kid that lived in the boiler room at my highschool, constant masturbation and all.

Apparently 99% of guys think 5 minutes of pussy eating is acceptable. You are wrong. Eat it until it's wet, then eat it until it's dry.

If only I was 21 again... my liver might not be screaming at me...

Why am I still awake?! I killed that bottle by myself ... also, the grass in my backyard is soft

My tweet count is below 10 a day ... Guess I must align my chi and get ready for my week long bender of alcohol and cocaine

Life plan: 1) Make money. 2) Fuck. 3) Die.

I might buy a dwarf. Just so he can follow me around and hold my third drink.

My weather thingy says it's raining. I'm sitting in my driveway and I say it's not. Who wins here?

Found an entire bottle of vodka in my bathroom ... It's not drinking alone if I have the tv on right?

I'm totally gangsta... I just walked through the... aww fuck me ... goin to jail.

For fucks sake, don't get one with a suction cup! You'll never leave the kitchen!

My feet are cold... Where's a tauntaun when you need one?

If I wasn't so drunk, I would do things.

I am the only white person at this club. Like a negative klan meeting.

If I had a vagina I can pretty much guarantee it would be wet all the time. From thinking about my vagina, mostly.