My girlfriend asked what was on T.V. I said dust. And that's how the fight started.

After getting into a fender bender with a midget, he approached me yelling "I'm not happy".



So I asked him which one he was.

Went out with my friend with benefits tonight...HAHA,all my friends have benefits in Canada.Its called free health care.Suck on that America

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet & we ended up having sex.






I love my new taser!

Girlfriend asked for a ring.


So I put the cup on the table without a coaster.


And that's how the fight started.

Recent studies have shown that 25% of women are being treated for mental illness. That means 75% of them are running around untreated.

Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn't matter, just get out.

Girlfriend told me to take out the trash.


I told her "I'll take you anywhere you wanna go babe".


And that's how the fight started.

G/F nude in front of mirror.
G/F: I feel horrible,look old,fat & ugly.I really could use a compliment.
Me: Your eyesight's damn near perfect

I'm pretty sure my last words are going to be "I can take him."

Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns.

Hey babe, wanna go back to my place and do what I'm gonna tell everyone we did anyway?

Girlfriend wants to get a female dog.


I suggested one bitch in the house was enough.


And that's how the fight started.

Don't play dumb with me.




That's a game you can't win.

Saw a commercial stating that one in five smokers in the US suffer a heart attack. Just one more reason Im glad I smoke in Canada.

How does everyone know when everyone on Twitter is having a birthday? I'm starting to think you guys are secretly Facebook friends.

A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on the way to the depot. Police have warned the public to be on lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.


I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.


And that's how the fight started.

Girlfriend wanted to go skinny dipping.


I said your not skinny enough to be dipping.


And that's how the fight started.

To all my Canadian followers,if any of you see Darryl,tell him to give me a call.*



*Dear Americans -We all know each other in Canada