I've used #PaulaDeen in fat jokes, BUT I'M NOT RACIST!

Guano diarrhea

Taylor Swift has a new song: "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, Unless You Call Me Pretty"

#starwars #badme pic.twitter.com/DJdK234WMe

I love putting down that I'll only be working 4 hours today. Hate it when I change it to the actual 10 hours, though :-(

@lilytoddsikka pic.twitter.com/aXW9OF6Hdy

@lilytoddsikka I'm scheming of a way to be financially self-sustaining. Good luck with THAT, amirite?

Just had sausage links as a midnight snack. Your move, Monday.

The club* can't even handle me right now.

*My refrigerator

Hey "Everest University guy who wears his hat a little bit sideways": you'll forgive me if I don't take you seriously.

I call my goatee the woman's saddle. Now all I need is for someone to take a ride.

@nien_nunb Hey, you guys want to stick around for an oven mitt?

Hey "people who have their shit together": I'm so fucking happy for you. Just quit rubbing it in my face.

Gonna eat bad food and drink lots of beer because

Did I just listen to a commercial or a rave?

#ForeverAlone

...all the time... pic.twitter.com/N70HEKqX6b

TBS has a very strange idea of what is "very funny"

You had me at "The End"

The guy in the commercial for Blu electronic cigarettes looks like such a douche. Good job of casting him in that role, whoever did that.