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MSNBC has called Vermont for Obama with 0 total votes in and 0% reporting. I mean, I know, but come on guys.
Oh my god you guys. I AM SO SORRY. My alarm went off at Zero Dark Forty Five. Did I miss it? They didn't leave already, did they?
Hey West Coast assholes, how you like living in the PAST?!
A libertarian is someone who only eats libraries, right?
Rex wrote his first song parody today. It goes, "Twinkle twinkle little grapes. Grapes grapes grapes grapes grapes grapes grapes." #winning
"President Obama has never even run a lemonade stand!" Granted. I mean, he's run the USA for four years, but that's no lemonade stand. #RNC
"See that building over there? Is that Twin Towers?" - kid next to me on the train. Guess I'd better tell him what happened.
Just overheard some someone say "he's a narcissist" and I instantly assumed she was talking about me.
My son, all of 19 months old, is equally obsessed with Elmo and Beyonce.
CNN calling the election for McCain
I would have given her $100 if she had said "Argo... Fuck yourself."
Ari lives in Brookyn and does comedy on your television.