Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: I don't have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
9yo: Look what I made!
9yo: I taped 2 toilet rolls & made binoculars!
Me: Great.*Holds up iPhone* This is what 9yos in China make.
First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat. You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Ok, who wants brownies?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike
Yea? Well who died & made you Batman?
Oh crap..that's right.
Bruce, I'm so sorry. Come on, dude, don't cry. Seriously, where you going?
First rule of Thesaurus Club: You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.
I speak both universal languages:
2. Louder & slower English
Coworker just asked me if I'm "working hard or hardly working" & now I'm standing over him asking if he's "bleeding bad or badly bleeding?"
Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having...
I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.
Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?"
Me: "The antidote?"
Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?"
Car broke down. Seen enough Man vs Wild to survive. 20mins later when the tow truck showed up I was drinking urine out of a poodle's skull.
Sucks how our 3 yr old can watch TV naked on the couch eating ham, and it's "cute" but when I do it it's "disgusting" & "rude to our guests"
Our 1yo: Boat!
Me: That IS a boat! So clever!
Me: I SEE THE FUCKIN BOAT!
Him: FUCKIN BOAT!
Whenever I'm picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell "Come with me if you want to live!" so she knows she married pure awesomeness
8yo: Ghosts real?
4yo: I heard groaning last night
8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning
4yo: What was that?
Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?
Boss: Let's talk about the elephant in the room.
Me: Not cool, dude. Jan's just pregnant.
Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.
My avi is one of 3 reasons why I live and why I drink. Father of 3 little boys. Husband of 1 Wife.