I'm pretty sure all chickens are female and don't have "noodles" so excuse me if I'm a little suspicious about this soup.

9yo: Look what I made!
Me: What?
9yo: I taped 2 toilet rolls & made binoculars!
Me: Great.*Holds up iPhone* This is what 9yos in China make.

If you don't stop telling your ugly baby she's cute she's gonna grow up to be the hideous coworker that assumes everyone is hitting on her.

When my wife was pregnant I used to tell people "We're pregnant" like my 30 second contribution justified me getting equal billing.

Still waiting for a response from Lowe's about the new anti-Home Depot slogan I came up with for them: "Lowe's before Ho's"

Will.I .Am.

Or as he's known in the hood, Will.I. Is.

Sir, you've been in the McDonald's bathroom for an hour. What are you doing in there?

Ba da da da, I'm rubbin' it!

Ladies, how to cure your man's hiccups: Send a single text that just says "We need to talk."

Bathing a 2yo is like being in the front row of a whale show at Sea World. You gotta act excited over really lame tricks & you WILL get wet.

I like to wear doctor scrubs, walk into hospital waiting rooms, lower my surgical mask, & grimly shake my head at random people.

Destiny is calling me.

I'm gonna let it go to voicemail..

Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.

Boss: Project's way behind. Suggestions? I'm willing to try anything.
Me: *raises hand*
Him: Anything but "helper monkeys"
Me: *lowers hand*

My work is so negative. Instead of being happy for all the days I didn't set the place on fire, they keep bringing up the 2 or 3 days I did.

Thanks for the reminder to turn off our cell phones & pagers, movie theatre, but I already turned off my pager 21 yrs before I came in here.

It's not the eyes you need to worry about.

Most men undress women with their lies.

Can't decide if I want to put my soup in the microwave for 30 seconds & have luke warm soup or 31 seconds & have 3rd degree mouth burns..

I use an umbrella on sunny days. People say its not raining. I say not yet.

1 day I will time it right.

That person will know me as a god.

I'm never more focused and serious about calculating my fractions right as I when I'm splitting pizza with 3 or more people.

Me: Why does my underwear drawer smell like bananas?
Wife: Wait..What?
5yo: Hey! Who put underwear in my banana drawer?!
Me: Never mind..