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Boss: Let's talk about the elephant in the room.
Me: Not cool, dude. Jan's just pregnant.
Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.
Well, the USA won the America's Cup against New Zealand to the disappointment of 4 million Kiwi's & the joy of up to 2 dozen Americans.
Yea? Well who died & made you Batman?
Oh crap..that's right.
Bruce, I'm so sorry. Come on, dude, don't cry. Seriously, where you going?
I don't know how you women do it. Every time I try to "sleep my way to the top" I get woken up and sent to HR.
Love how women blame their behavior on PMS as if we believe they're emotionally stable & perfectly reasonable the rest of the month.
Coworker just asked me if I'm "working hard or hardly working" & now I'm standing over him asking if he's "bleeding bad or badly bleeding?"
Roses are red. Violets are red. Tulips are red. Even the ferns are red. Secure the site. This entire florist shop is a crime scene.
Am I wearing a Beartologist lab coat? Is there a Bearology Diploma on my wall? I dunno where bears shit. Say yes or no like a normal person.
Me: I'd like a refund for the boomerang I bought. It doesn't work.
Him: "Where is it?"
I have no idea..
Ok. You got your receipt?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: I don't have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat. You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Ok, who wants brownies?
Got drunk at the zoo again. Hearing noises coming from the freezer. I'm afraid to look. Think I might have stolen a penguin.
Me: *opens door* Yes?
Him: Hi. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about The Lord?
Me: ..Of The Rings?
Him: Uh No..
People keep agreeing with me that reverse psychology probably doesn't work and now I'm starting to think that maybe it does..
10 commandments huh? Aw well. It's not like they're set in sto..
*Moses holds up tablets*
God damn it..
*Moses points to #3*
I've invented the hot air balloon!
"Whats the basket made of?"
"Whats that in the middle?"
A big ass fire..
"Sweet. Lets go."
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I know you got there 1st but he clearly "called it". Ruling for the plaintiff
Next case.. "Smelt it v Delt it"
I'm trying to remove the changes I made to this document but its not letting me. This is causing me serious undo stress.
Life Hack: Bypass an all day mandatory assertiveness training seminar by punching the instructor in the face & taking a certificate.
My avi is one of 3 reasons why I live and why I drink. Father of 3 little boys. Husband of 1 Wife.