How easily you're offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.

Someday, onion. Someday, I'll make you cry.

My cat just hissed at me for stroking her. Now I finally know how married men feel.

I don't necessarily believe in true love, but I do believe in tolerating each other in order to get a cooked meal and an occasional fuck.

I laugh at tragic things all the time, mostly my bank statements and my love life.

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he'll go to a good college & become a doctor.

The best way to become a genius is to hang around stupid people.

Telling kids that babies are made when a vagina suffocates a penis until it starts vomiting, greatly reduces chances of teenage pregnancies.

I am sorry, camels. It must suck having vagina feet.

Every time you put on a denim jacket while wearing jeans, an angel gets a mullet.

A zombie apocalypse survival partner is what every awesome girl wants.

Size doesn’t matter? Tell that to Pluto.

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn't like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

A butt slap is strictly platonic as long as you say "good game" and don't wiggle your fingers.

Fuck you homophobic asshole, every single gay person I know has more common sense and better morals than you do.

I have failed math eleventeen times or so.

Twitter - we're all here because we're not all there.

Nipples – the way god intended for temperature to be measured.

I'm addicted to reading, Internet and video games, but otherwise I'm totally fine and I have no friends.