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EVERYTHING I EAT TURNS TO SHIT
I don't remember following you but then you tweet about your butt hole and it's like I've known you my entire life.
9th Rule of Fight Club: no butt stuff.
I wear all denim outfits so u know how serious I am about this virginity thing.
I like it when you text me "yah" because then I get to imagine that you're riding a horse while on the phone which is super exciting
3-9-97: the day "no biggie" became an offensive term.
I haven't shaved my legs in four months because you said you liked my hair once.
"When do you get off?"
"Well that was a little off topic but I'd give myself a good ten minutes into it on average."
I forgot what I was going to say, it was probably the cure for cancer.
SPOILER ALERT: left the milk out on the counter overnight.
They should make a crayon color called "dehydrated morning pee"
I'll unfollow you and refollow just to be on top.
I could really gopher some cute animal puns right now.
"I'm kind of a big dill" -pickles
Masturbate at record speed: fasturbate.
Making a spotify playlist called "songs I don't cry to"
I have one tweet draft and it just says "polio"
I'm live tweeting my depression.