Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

Ever pull your hand out of your jeans pocket and the white lining comes out with it? That's why I always use lots of lube during anal.

Redtube has added the Google +1 button. Cause the world really needs to know how you felt about "LESBIAN ANAL HOUSE PARTY."

P.S. +1! Duh...

Grabbed a cheeseburger at Dairy Queen and then ran over to McDonald's for a McFlurry. I have lost control of my life.

When I don't understand a tweet, I assume it's secretly Dennis Miller... I know your funny, I just don't understand why

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we're handicapped spiders.

I put my flip flop volume in stealth mode whenever I hear anyone else's.

Having the doors to open right when you push the button is like finding the elevator's clitoris.

Herro America, it China. Since you take horiday and no give us money, we just come take Michigan, you not using it anyway.

Just watched Inception on HBO... I think.

My dad got a new stepladder yesterday, but it's not my real ladder and it can't tell me what to do.

Grandmother kangaroos probably have pouches full of Werther's candies.

Currently reading other tweets. Your tweet is important to us. Please stay online and it will be read. Approx. wait time: 17 min. Thank you.

Nothing breeds more contempt than contempt bunnies.

I once got into a heated* conversation about what goes in the bowl first, the milk or the cereal.

*stoned

I remember when breast implants were
made out of socks.

I wish I was as dedicated to anything as much as I am to using movie lines in everyday conversation

I'm at my white trashiest when I slip a pepperoni stick out of 7-11's plastic case.

Its always a good time when you're not getting murdered

Every time a Michael Jackson song is played an angel that hasn't gotten it's wings yet gets touched inappropriately.