I had such a sheltered upbringing. For years I thought “Roe Vs. Wade” were just options for crossing the river.

Please don’t brag that you’re born-again. It’s bad enough you were born the first time.

I had two cups of coffee today. Apparently I need to be extra alert for an afternoon of job rejections and cat videos.

Some dipshit just spilled a pitcher of beer on me. Now I smell like college.

It's easy to tell my friends "your child is an angel!" when you remember that Satan was originally an angel.

There's a record number in poverty and still the rich complain about class warfare. Relax, rich people: if there is class warfare, you won.

When you select a photo for your online profile, try to avoid one that makes you look like the 19th hijacker.

I’m no good at talking to children about death, so I’m just going to tell this girl her granddaddy is planking.

I prefer to call Occupy Wall Street by its code name: Operation Young, Unemployed And Can’t Pay My Student Loans.

Stop saying that “words can’t describe” something. Yes they can. You’re just too stupid to know those particular words.

If you’re over the age of 23, your voicemail message starts with “Yo yo!” and you’re not a cellist, something must be done immediately.

Hi there, adults over 25 seeing the new Twilight movie! Enjoy the film, and please sign up at the sex offender registry table in the lobby.

I'm getting the sense I'd be more popular on Favstar if I mentioned vaginas more. But they scare me, so I don't see that happening.

Four years of college and one year of grad school to basically become a pillow for my dog.

I only drink socially, but only if you count the people on my TV as a social circle.

When my dog dies, the vet suggests I put her ashes “in her favorite spot.” How will I put the ashes in her vagina?

How long is too long before realizing you're not wearing pants?

Jennifer Aniston named Sexiest Woman of All Time. Voting ended in 2003 and results were tabulated by the firm of Keller, Wonder and Charles.

My odd brother: “I’m making an Xmas ornament for Mom and I need to know which one of her breasts was removed in the mastectomy.”

We might not all agree that waterboarding is torture, but I’m sure we can agree that Mannheim Steamroller is.