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Hurricane #Bud has weakened to a category 2 storm at it nears New Mexico which will prompt a name change to Hurricane #Bud Light.
Beyonce should have put a NuvaRing on it. #safesex
Walked by a goose and said "Hey dude!" It honked back. I'd like to think it said "Hello" to me but it probably said "Bitch, I'm a goose."
Yesterday was a bad day to not go grocery shopping.
Seriously, go out and hug someone today.
I just saw a drunk girl vomit on her UGG boots. She has accomplished the one thing I've ever wanted to do when I see someone wearing them.
A man from Virginia was sent to prison for stealing Barack Obama's teleprompter. When Obama was informed of the situation he was speechless.
A funeral home in South Carolina will now be serving Starbucks. Funeral goers are describing the "Half & Half cream-ation" as unsettling.
Note to self: Never scream to your roommate who is across the Laundromat "Always separate whites from colors!"
Just made eye contact with a guy while I was itching my boob. That's the most intimate I've been with someone in months.
Flo Nase- My rapper alter ego in the springtime.
*drops the mic*
*runs back over and puts it back on the stand because I'm respectful and polite*
I think the most unbelievable part of the movie Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus is that Jaleel White has had acting gigs beyond Family Matters.
Moving from Brookline to Allston is like going from dating Pierce Brosnan to Russell Brand with less accents and more ironic mustaches.
I never thought I was good at anything until I started leaving my keys at different bars,
My cab driver is taking about politics. If I wanted to talk about this I would visit my step dad then punch myself in the face until I died.
Just saw a homeless man run up to a car parked at a red light and piss on the front tire. Boston, you're my home.
The scariest part about blacking out at PAXEast and waking up with Magic cards is blacking out at PAXEast and waking up with Magic cards.
Definitely the work of Bane.
I write and perform with BFF Tannens and @TheBabyGiraffes at @improvboston