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The closest I'll ever come to hunting is locating my cell phone while it's on vibrate.
Thinking about all the energy my body must expend fighting productivity, and wondering how it's possible I'm not dying from EVERY DISEASE
We don't give enough credit to delivery order minimums as a source of obesity.
If you didn't know that the voice of Doug is now the voice of Futerama's Fry, you're me 5 mins ago. You're welcome for the life upgrade.
What ever happened to that kid Madonna adopted? Is it wrong to assume she got bored and traded him in for Kabbalah points?
People are still excited about the McRib being back, but based on the body's ability to break down McDonalds, I don't think it ever left us.
I guess instead of googling "free movie tickets" I could just get a boyfriend.
National Grilled Cheese Day, or as it's known in much of America, "day".
Spent the whole day trying to think of a humble way to remind all of you it's my birthday, but I can't think of anything subtle enough.
This is no limit to what I'll spend on coffee made by attractive baristas, and now we've identified the source of my self loathing.
Snooki is pregnant, and it turns out the Mayans just had really good timing.
I'm always in that beginning phase of transitioning to healthy living where I rid my home of junk food [via my mouth].
First day back from a long vacation is always spent figuring out when the next one will be.
You don't have to be a man to hold the door open for someone, but you do have to be a person who doesn't suck.
"I know a guy in the military." is the politician's, "I have a black friend."
Picking the right playlist accounts for 40% of my total writing time. Sorry boss. I'm not sorry.
NYC Writer & Producer. Superpower: Able to deflect compliments with a single joke.
