If you don't have a gag reflex it doesn't matter how shitty you are at making sandwiches.

I'd rather have my mouth at the anus of a chick that's been dead for a week while someone jumps on her stomach than hear about your vacation

I wonder how many dance recitals and childhood birthday parties a dad has to miss for a girl to have a titty pic as her avi on twitter

Yes we might be friends but if I get chilly don't think for one second I won't gut your ass and sleep inside you to keep warm.

Meth: because giving blow jobs for drugs is probably much more sufficient without teeth anyways.

I don't trust anyone who doesn't peek inside a Kleenex to check out the snot after they blow their nose.

I would respect golf a lot more if you just rode around hitting hookers with golf clubs and taking their money like grand theft auto.

Sometimes I ponder how many glory holes I have to stick my third nipple in before I get some RT's around here.

Pretty sure I sliced off my clit shaving this morning in the shower.I just hope I can find it faster than my ex did...

Say what you want about my morals but someday I'm going to make an old filthy rich bastard who is about to croak very happy.

If i hide my boyfriend's medication for a few days his vicious tourette's tick allows him to pound me like a spasmodic jackhammer.

If you wouldn't spend your day sacrificing squirrels,making slim jim kabobs & running 6.66 miles for Satan then we probably can't be friends

If I got a paper cut on my vagina I doubt I could resist the urge to spend the rest of the day moving the lips and saying 'why so serious?'

When I die someone please remind my mother dearest that I'd like to be cremated then snorted off of a strippers tits via twisty straw.

Some girls should get both sets of lips sewn shut.

I always wanted to sit on Mr. Rogers face while wearing his penny loafers.

If retweets were like reach arounds I still wouldn't be getting any

Either my vagina just lost a tooth or my date last night wasn't really eighteen.

Stillborn is the new sushi.

You know it must have been a good night when you wake up with your nipples pierced then realize your pants & dignity are nowhere to be found